I Own Simon – and You’re Next

Sophie, Mount Pleasant Pet's Feline Overlord for Content Management
A photo of me planning out a set of posts for the website.

Hello. My name is Sophie, and I’m sure you’re glad to meet me.

I am, after all, a feline, and, since I own everything around me, and I’m very graceful and all that stuff that comes along with being a cat, you are certainly properly impressed. Oh, and you’ll be glad to know that unlike your other cat masters, I won’t be condescending toward you because I’ve found that your species has some good uses – like creating cat treats! Love ‘em. Good job.

Anyway, when I started working here at Mount Pleasant Pets, at first, no one really knew I was around. I work for Simon, the webmaster in the Internet Department, but, for the first four days, I spent time on the low-down, skulking around in the background just watching what was going on. At first, some of the other staffers here thought I’d quit right away or run away scared, but I was simply gathering data. Mainly, I was watching the humans and seeing how the other animals in the office dealt with them so I could figure out which humans needed more assurance and all those other things that cat overlords normally do when they move into a new environment where animals and humans mix.

Simon, our webmaster, naps while I continue to work.
Simon, our webmaster, naps while I continue to work.

My official title in the Internet Department is Feline Overlord for Content Management, and, yes, that feeling of great awe and wonder at my title is normal. It should be very impressive to you. Don’t faint; the dizziness will fade and simply be replaced by normal adoration. This job means that in between my naps and sitting around looking just wonderful, I also add articles to the website and choose images for those articles. Sometimes I coordinate between the Art and Editorial Departments to get the content I need to publish online. All of this frees Simon up for more important duties like extra naps and sitting around looking very distinguished and incredibly intelligent.

Later, I moved in with Simon’s humans so I could dedicate most of my time to napping, looking great and being available for work. I chose respectfully to spend a lot of time in Simon’s home under the bed of one of his humans. I wanted to show Simon the respect he deserved for marking their house up with his scent until I could figure out which areas could be conquered for me. … Oh, I mean redesignated for me. It was very important to progress properly through the different stages of taking over Simon’s territory, including his humans.

You probably don’t know that cats meow almost exclusively for humans. We need to let you know when it’s time to pet us, when we want a door opened, when we’re excited to see you – almost never – when we’re just saying “hello” or whatever it is we want to tell you. When we want to communicate with other cats, simple scents and body language do just fine. I tell you all this so you can understand how I chose to reclaim some of Simon’s areas for myself. First I got to know his humans. I meowed at them until they learned what my different meows meant so they could properly respond to my commands and needs. After they understood me, they started wanting to spend more time with me around the house. … and voila! I was introduced to new sections of the house that belonged to Simon – although at first I still chose to stay under his human’s bed.

Later, I let them open their bedroom door for me, so I could venture out and conquer – I mean explore – more of their house. Months have passed, and now much of Simon’s territory has become mine – or we “share” it. I do have this nagging feeling though that he’s somehow given me more work on the website so he can have even more time to nap and look appropriately magnificent. I will have to look into that!

Keep up the good work making those yummy cat treats, and we’ll talk again later. Goodbye, for meow.

By Sophie, Feline Overlord for Content Management